Hi guys,
Today's post is about something very personal, I have been thinking about writing this down for a while, but I wasn't so sure that I wanted to share this with the rest of the world. After explaining this 'problem' to my boyfriend (who was very supportive and understanding by the way) I decided to write it all in a blog post and share it with you. Because right now, I really feel like something is wrong with me, but maybe I am not the only one experiencing this. It's hard for me to explain this to someone else but I'm gonna do my best.
I've always been kind of afraid to go somewhere by myself. Even if it is a place I've been a thousand times, I always stress out if I have to go there all by myself. When I go somewhere by myself, I am very aware of the fact that there are other people there. I always think people are looking at me and making fun of me. I know it's all in my head, but I still feel that way. This feeling is slowly beginning to fade away, but it still happens sometimes.
As you may or may not know, I started college last year, I study in Ghent and because that is not close to my home, I stay in a dorm during the week. When I moved in in my dorm, I was very excited to be there, and couldn't wait to meet all the people in my hallway. Little did I know, I was going to hate it. The first night there, I was watching Netflix with my boyfriend. It was alreay kind of late so I was already in my pyjama. All of a sudden, there was a knock on my door, I didn't open it because I was just in my undies and a tshirt (sorry if this is tmi). I thought it didn't really matter but I still think that evening determined the rest of my year at this dorm.
Whenever I would go to the kitchen to cook, everyone else in the kitchen would just look at me like I killed their cat, or they would not look at me at all. Being tired of this, I never cook at my own dorm anymore and I always eat at my boyfriends'. Even when I come home from a class or something and I run into someone, they don't even look at me or give me a smile. This has made me very self conscious and sad. It feels like the rest my hallway are friends, and I am the stranger that doens't fit in their group. This has led to some serious 'anxiety' (I don't really know if it really is anxiety). Whenever I come home from a class, I hope that I don't run into anyone. I don't take my trash out often enough because I'm scared I will run into anyone and they will gossip about me. It has even come this far that I wait until I'm sure there's no one there to go to the toilet.
You may think of it what you want, and I now I'm being ridiculous but I just can't help it. There have been a lot of days that I thought 'don't be silly, just go out there'. But no matter how many times I've thought this, it just doesn't help. I literally stress out when I have to come out of my room. Even when I'm in my room and I hear people talking, I listen to make sure they aren't gossiping about me.
This isn't something I am proud of at all, I actually am quite ashamed of myself but the problem is, I can't help it. And I know that I'm only making things worse by barely coming out of my room and avoiding any kind of contact with them, but I can't do anything about it. I mean, I know I can, but there's just something inside of me that won't do it and I hate myself for that.
Now you know what is 'wrong' with me. I know a lot of people won't understand this, but for me this is reality. If you know something that might help me in any way, I would love to know! But please keep the hate for yourself.
xoxo,
Cato
