Life's a bitch

Hey guys, I'm really sorry for not posting anything lately, I have just been feeling really bad so I was never really in the mood to write a blog post. But then I started thinking that I once said in one of my blog posts that when you feel sad or unhappy, you have to write about it. And that's exactly what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna write about the things that have been on my mind lately and that have been putting me in a bad mood.

So basically the main reason I've been feeling bad is school. I'm so done with school to be honest. I just feel like I can't tae any more of it. All the work and the stress and everything is just getting too much. I just feel like everyday, I have to drag myself trough the day and I'm so done with that. A lot of people say high school is the best time of their lives but at the moment I really don't think about it as something good or fun. And the main reason is the pressure that people are putting on me. Especially my parents, when I was younger, I always used to get excellent grades and they still expect me to do exactly the same, but I just can't. It seems like they don't know that school gets hard and that I'm not that smart kid that I used to be anymore. Whenever I fail a test or something they'll just be like 'you just didn't study enough' or ' maybe you have to start working for school' and the thing is, at the beginning of the school year, I work quite hard for school but I would still fail some tests and my parents would think I didn't study or anything. So whenever I failed I was immediately thinking about what my parents would think of it and not what I thought of it and that's where the pressure began. I was working for them, not for me. And now it has come to a point where I just don't care at all, I failed? I don't give a damn. I just can't seem to care anymore but I still am disappointed when I don't get great grades even though I know that if I would just care, it wouldn't be like that. I don't what it is but I'm so done with school. 

You know how they say that if your room and stuff are a mess, it's a mess inside your head as well? That has never been more accurate than now ever. My room has been a mess ever since I started feeling like this and whenever I try to tidy my room but I just can't. And I feel like that's the same with my head, whenever I try to figure out what's going on or if I feel a bit better, something just happens  that makes me feel bad again. Like a few days ago: we've had this math test and I actually did study for it and it went really well so was excited when we got it back. One of my friends was constantly saying it went really bad and she was going to fail super hard. Anyways, when we got it back, I passed but it wasn't as good as I expected it to be but I was happy that I didn't fail. And the friend that was complaining she was gonna fail got way better grades than me and at that moment I just lost hope. I mean she can't help it and I'm really happy for her but it's just that I thought I would've done great but I didn't and I think it was at that moment I just couldn't take it anymore. I even almost started crying, how stupid is that? I passed but still I felt like I failed.

And it's not only grades that are messing with my head it's also people, I'm not getting bullied or anything. But if you read one of my previous posts, you'll know that one my best friends just stopped talking to me this schoolyear. And  I suffered from it more than I thought I would. And everybody else just said that I needed to forget about it and stuff so I acted like it didn't really bother me but it really did and sometimes it still does. I mean during summer break we still texted and snapchatted and stuff and then when school started again, nothing. I've tried you know but it didn't work. I rememver one time she went home sick and I sent her a message asking what was wrong and she replied with 'why do you wanna know?' and that was kinda hard for me. 

And besides school there's also the little things that keep adding up. Like my parents, whenever I wear makeup they say that I look like a doll and stuff when honestly, it  really isn't bad because my friends don't say anything about it and I know that they would say it if it wasn't ok. Just like today, I wore makeup for school today but my skin is very oily so I have to powder quite often, but I didn't powder during the last break because I just didn't feel like it and when I got in the car my mom was  like 'you're shining again' and for some reason I just totally broke down, I just couldn't handle it anymore. That has been happening more and more the last few days, that I just break down at the smallest comment someone makes. And the reason for this is just all these little things like school, stress, losing friends and stuff have been piling up inside me for so long that I just can't take it anymore.

I'm just losing confidence you know. I used to be this cheerful and happy person but that changed. I'm still happy and cheerful sometimes but some times it's just enough.

I'm also really tired, both physically and menttally and I just want it to stop. I've even come to the point where sometimes I just don't wanna go to dance practice or drama class, and I would just make up excuses not to go. But whenever I went, I felt so good and it reminded me of why that are my hobbies, because I just feel free when I dance or act.

Life's a bitch but just keep in mind that it all gets better. I now have a week off school so I can clean my room properly so I can also get my mind on order and start being motivated again (:

Wow, this turned out a lot longer  and a lot more personal than I planned it to be. And I know it seems like I'm depressed or something but I do still have fun but sometimes it can just all get a bit too much.

I just wanna say that I didn't write this to get attention at all! Maybe some people recognise theirselves and they know they're not alone or something (:

Just keep in mind that it will get better, no matter what! (:

I love you all and I will see you next time! 

xoxo,

Cato

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